MMO Viking

December 18, 2009

Guest blogger

Filed under: Capron's Corner — Tags: , , — mmoviking @ 10:01 pm

Guest blogger Capron writes:

In a species otherwise characterized only by its competition with others of its own kind for the necessities of procreation, an aberration has emerged. Due to an evolutionary mutation made possible only by eons of random chance, two previously distinct basic organisms Fugligo Septica and Armillaria Ostoyae fused to form a terrible new creature. A brief scientific background follows.

Fugligo Septica — Commonly known as “The Dog Vomit Fungus” is actually not a fungus at all but a slime mold often found growing in mulched areas around homes and in forests. When young, the mold “is often bright yellow, and in some instances, sickly orange. The colorful growth occurs when the mold is beginning its fruiting stage (see post about Annuminas Armor) . . . Like many humans, the mold matures into a harder, larger mass that loses much of its bright attractive color. Although still able to project fear in some people at this stage, it becomes harder to notice (and resorts to screaming “BEOSMASH” in order to make up for this new inadequacy). During the next stage, the slime mold becomes crusty and uninviting.”

Armillaria Ostoyae – World’s largest living Organism
Currently believed to be the world’s largest living organism, this humungous fungus covers over 2,200 acres in eastern Oregon and is believed to be between 2,400 and 7,200 years old. Upon sampling “Honey Mushrooms” over several disparate areas in the forest, scientists were astonished to find that these mushrooms were not distinct organisms, but surface manifestations of one huge fungus living beneath the forest floor. This fungus is responsible for countless tree deaths as it uses tiny tentacles called rhizomorphs to steal water and nutrients from nearby vegetation

The fusion of these two species is made possible by the little known fact that, unlike humans who have only two, fungi have over 36,000 different sexes. At some point, 10-15 years in the past, what must have been a particularly unattractive specimen of Fuglio Septica apparently wandered into an Oregon campground with a 36-pack of wine coolers. From that ungodly union sprang Beo-aria Septica (named by scientists who observed that after ingesting samples of the new species, lab techs manifested projectile vomiting accompanied by an uncontrolled evacuation of their bowels).

Beo-aria is, like its maternal forebearer, a conglomerate paradox of single-celled orgamisms which have found a new evolutionary viability in pooling their resources in order to deprive their competitors from scarce necessities and thereby thrive. This phenomenon is known as lewt-whoring. Beo-aria is responsible for the gradual economic death of those around him as he uses his lootwhoromorphs to steal resources from those foolish enough to maintain a close proximity (see EQ funnies).

Like Fuglio, Beo-aria delights in displaying colorful outfits in certain distinct stages of its development. Scientists familiar with both organisms have aptly termed this the Beo-aria’s “Fruity” stage, a tongue-in-cheek reference to the “Fruiting” stage of its ancestor. Beo-aria, however, having inherited an uncommonly long life, is not limited to one such fruity stage, but can manifest this gender-confused tendency with little to no warning. Introducing an elf of any kind into Beo’s immediate environment is almost certain to result in such a blossoming.

What makes the Beo so unique is the deceptive appearance of coherent thought that it seems to have developed as a defense mechanism in response to natural predators. Scientists can only hypothesize, but prevalent theories in leading scholarly journals have opined that, the Beo-aria developed both its bipedal movement and speech patterns in an attempt to blend it with its only competitors in the wild – man, dwarf, and hobbit.

One of Beo’s most disconcerting characteristics is the ability to confound these competitors by preying on their most effective evolutionary survival developments – rational thought. The Beo-aria insidiously appears to participate in a similar thinking process (as certain butterflies have developed large dark markings on their wings which appear to be monstrous eyes to their predators) but then undercuts the ability in those around it, by injecting entire strings of nonsense words and sounds into its predators’ immediate environment. This often results in a mental crippling of the unfortunate subject that can strip it of any and all desire to argue or communicate and leaving it without its most effective survival tool, thereby rendering it largely helpless. It is often at this very juncture that the above referenced lootwhoromorphs liberate the Beo’s victim from anything shiny or of value.

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